Few can brag about how delicious their bake beans are and the quality of the toots they create other than my wife Blanca’s recipe. You will love her baked beans and it will increase the quality of your toots or your money back, wait you’re not paying anything for this recipe.
The only requirement is that you must say this rhyme out loud while serving the beans to your family and guests. It kind of weird, if you promise to do that, your bake bean dish will turn out to be a scrumptiously delicious and a great hit, if not, well you’re on your own. This is an old family legend dating back to Captain Cook’s days or was it Pocahontas, well it was someone that carved their niche in history and was an expert tooter.
Here’s the rhyme: “Beans, beans the musical fruit the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so eat Blanca’s baked beans at every meal.” Now wasn’t that fun!
5 different types of beans
1 large can of butter beans
1 large can of red Spanish beans
1 large can of kidney beans
1 large can of pinto beans
1 large can of garbanzo beans
1 large onion, chopped
1 large green bell pepper, chopped
2 cup ketchup
3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tbsp chopped garlic
¼ cup brown sugar
1-cup of molasses
tsp. powered mustard
2 bay leaves
½ pound of bacon-thick sliced
Cayenne pepper to taste, we like lots, you’ll create a flame thrower.
Make sure you drain the cans of beans and rinse the beans. You can substitute the canned beans for dried beans but obviously you would have to soak the beans over night before you can use them.
Using a large bowl mix all the ingredients and place in a baking dish, preferably a Pyrex type and cover the bean mixture with aluminum foil, place in a pre-heated oven at 275 degrees. Cook for four to five hours, uncover the foil the last 30 minutes in the oven and serve piping hot, and let the tooting begin.An option is to put in a ½ teaspoon of baking soda in the bean mixture to reduce the effects of the beans, but then it couldn’t be called a “Tooting bake bean recipe,” could it?
Don’t be afraid to break a little wind, or let one rip, or cut one loose. Hey farts are as old as life itself. When you get the urge and you’re around people you want to impress or don’t want to feel embarrassed, here are some little pet names you can use to break the ice, so to speak.
These little designates have been handed down through the centuries to describe plain old farts. It’s a way of adding a little dignity to the event. When the situation arises just simply use the pet name like, “was that…flatulence”-this is used when you’re around a bunch of med students, intellects, college professors and rich doctors “blanket bomb”-a must at pajama parties, “botty burp”– for dancers, all kinds of dancers, except in strip clubs, “bull snort”-bull fighters and most of the spectators, “cheek squeak”-librarians, and old maid teachers, “trumpet-sounding”-orchestra members and the conductor of course, “chemical warfare”- military commanders, and right on up to the Chief of Staff, of course he won’t admit it, he will just say it’s classified, “chili killer”-food servers at Mexican restaurants, “crunchy frogs”-rainforest guidesand Tarzan, “duck call’-hunters and good ole boys chewing tobacco, “fart combo”-fast food employees and must be executed in rapid succession, “fartrogen dioxide”- chemical engineers that possibly worked on atomic projects, “fickle fuzz”-bartenders and indecisive cops, “ fungi maker”-mushroom farmers, and bat trainers,” fire in the hole”- demolition experts and the gorkers watching, “flabbergaster”-anyone trying to impress someone, and then lethally blows it all, also news commentators sensationalizing, “fly breaking the sound barrier”-Testpilots, and a test pilot wanta a be, ” foo-foo”-cook in a Chinese restaurant, “frump”- self-centered and egotisticcommercial landlords, “barking commands”- professional coaches,but with the crowds shouting no one will hear anyway, “cross wind”-commercial airline pilots that hope the flight attendants don’t bring them coffee at that time of the toot, you might have heard one pilot say to the other, quite a cross wind today, well, the secrets out. “kabooms”-singers of fifties music, laughing gas- party guests that just can’t stop laughing which sometimes produces repeated farting, Love puffs- disgruntled bakery employees, methane magic, landfill dozer operator, moon beam-hippies, and pot heads, morning thunder-teenagers that don’t like to get up in the morning and dare you to come into their room, mouse squeaker-computer operators that look around at everyone else trying to pass theblame, “Casual perfume”- status seekers at a social gathering, “little pooh”- kids that can’t takethe blame, and point to Winnie, “popcorn fart”-at least the beans didn’t get blamed for this one, prison break-inmates that know that’s the closest they ever get to getting out, “purple clouds”, tornado chasers, and people that live in grass huts, putt-putts-the little old grandmas, and miniature golf players, “rectal turbulence”- people flying at thirtythousand feet and above and can’t hold it in, rectum roar-zoo keepers, and lion trainers, “ripsnorter”-a beer drinking redneck with a pit bull by his side, “silent but violent”-someone you don’t want to be sitting next to on a plane, train or automobile, or in church, “heavenly scent” priests, ministers, and rabbi’s. There you go folks, now you use any of these pet names that fit the occasion and impress your colleges.
If there are any of you with Victorian Principles and this review offends you, well I say… don’t worry be happy, laugh a lot, smile often, and toot wherever and whenever the urge hits you. Now that you know all these pet names you can be a hit at any social event and handle it eloquently if and when the occasion should arise and you need to break a little wind. Happy Tooting.